2.2.09

Everyone, on some level or another, have over the years put in place some version of an emotional guard. Some people let that guard down pretty fast, whereas with others it can take months and months - the main fear being that once that guard is down you will get hurt.


this weekend proved this fear of mine to be correct.


The second I convinced myself that it would be okay to like him...to really just let myself give 100% of my heart to the relationship, i get my heart handed right back to me with a giant wound in it.
While my boy and I were never officially dating, which was totally fine with me, we definitely acted like it. I had that alluring freedom of being single, with a sweet, sexy man to come home to every night for some good weed, sex, and an all night cuddle. He was my best friend and my lover, and I had no desire to confine him to the label of my boyfriend.

Despite the freedom that I let reside in our questionable relationship, he managed to still feel tied down - how exactly, i'm not sure.

Then came that awful awful thursday night, and that text message that sent me into a messy demise for the rest of the weekend. I won't tell you what it said because it will undoubtedly send me into a fit of tears, but i will say this: he managed to be respectful and unknowingly heartbreaking in under ten words.
what followed was a 20 minute phone conversation that has echoed in my mind the past 3 and a half days - one that left my future with my best friend hazy, at best. I didn't handle it in the best way possible, but what was i supposed to do? i was a previously emotionally battered girl who had finally let herself put all the bullshit aside and truly like someone, and as soon as i saw that hurt and heartache seeping back into my life i panicked. i went into defense mode.

he obviously had no idea how much i liked him, and offered that "we could date.." but the lack of enthusiasm almost made it sound more like an insult than a peace offering.

Later thursday evening, or perhaps i should say early friday morning, he spent a considerable amount of time on the phone with my best friend (while i was busy puking in the bathroom) discussing the situation. Behaving somewhat maturely (while drunkenly scarfing down a piece of pizza, mind you) he told K that him and i needed to talk. Apparently i don't communicate, which is the main reason this all fell apart so retardedly.

I don't want to communicate.
I want things to be how they were.
Blissfully ignorant and desperately in love.


So we made plans to talk...those plans fell through. New plans were made...no phone call. what do i do now? Do i simply turn my back on the best semester of my college career and lose yet another best friend? Or should I push for a reconciliation, or at least a conversation where some communication may lead to some closure for both parties involved?

All i know is that almost 4 days later I sit here with an empty heart. Last thing i remember before falling asleep last night? Crying. First thing i did when i woke up this morning? Cried.

I miss him.