As I've mentioned before, Samantha's quote from SATC "I love you, but I love me more" is, in my humble opinion, one of the best quotes ever (right up there with he's just not that into you). Given everything that has happened in my life thus far, I've come to realize that more often than not i end up letting myself love other people more than myself. In my most recent relationship I managed to ignore or even enjoy ass of his flaws. I gave everything to him, and I know that I truly made his life better. I always joked around saying that while I was improving his life, he was dragging me down -- I realize now it's not that funny.
Despite the fact that I didn't get everything that I deeply wanted or even deserved from the relationship, I kept giving and giving and loving him. I love him more than I was loving myself.
At the end of the day, this is not okay. I think I'm finally starting to realize that I need to follow Samantha's advice and actually allow myself to love myself the most. More than any boy that temporarily steals my heart and generosity, and more than any relationship that I find comfort in. I need to watch my own back and remember that I and what I really want is important.
I need to love myself. And I need to find someone who can love me as much as, if not more than I do.
It's hard to love myself right now though as I am far from grasping the concept of what is best for me. My heart breaks every time I think about what I've lost, and tears still well in the corners of my eyes as I remember our first kiss. My insides still cringe when I relive the hurtful things he's done, and my mind races as I create alternate endings to our dreadful situation. I want to reach out to him, but push him away at the same time. I want to take back everything that I gave up for him, and sometimes I even wish I could take back that first kiss.
And sometimes, I just want to punch him in the face and tell him how dumb and irresponsible he is. Tell him how he's never going to do anything with his life and will just end up working for his dad at Chevron. Tell him that until he grows the fuck up and starts to act his age he will never find anyone that will treat him as well as I did. I really just want to know that he knows that I was amazing. He told me I was, but I want him to remember and hate the fact that I'm not there to be amazing to him anymore.
I'm officially going to start to love myself more than him. more than all the people who don't appreciate me and don't reciprocate the respect and devotion that I bring to a relationship/friendship.
It's fucking hard, but I love myself the most.
The End.
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