Apparently the entire time I was a complete mess over potentially losing one of my best friends and pseudo boyfriend, he didn't really think anything would be that different. This was made clear to me when I showed up at his apartment monday afternoon only to have him try and kiss me hello. whether this attempted kiss was aimed at my cheek or mouth i'm not aware, seeing as i quickly deflected the potential kiss by turning my head and doing an awkward hug instead.
What proceeded was an awkward, forced conversation that really accomplished nothing. There are so many questions lingering in my head that I should have asked. So many more things I could have told him to make him understand -- but no. So far the only two people i've loved i've lost over a lack of communication. I've definitely improved, and I think this relationship helped a lot, so hopefully third time will be a charm.
But for now, communication is not my strong suite, so we left the balcony overlooking the golden gate bridge and with a confused, unfilled hole in my heart i stepped back into an apartment that will never feel welcoming again.
However, the ridiculousness that was this encounter did not end there. We made our way to the marina to get some lunch. As I desperately searched the radio stations for a decent song that could drown out the awkwardness of this drive, I realized I was failing miserably. Not even the tantalizing beats of a classic 50 cent melody could make me any less aware of the fact that I hadn't said one word since we'd left his street.
If that wasn't awkward enough, try sitting across the table from someone you so horribly want to hate, but undeniably will always love. Refusing to look him in the eye out of sheer embarrassment that I let my heart break because of something so avoidable (avoidable only in hindsight), I break the silence with stiff questions regarding class schedules and the weather.
My diet coke had never tasted so bland, my greek salad so flavorless...my life just felt shameful and empty.
He paid.
We left.
The silent walk down Chestnut left me thinking about all those fleeting moments of our lunch that were so nauseatingly similar to how it used to be. So i told him how it was going to be hard to not talk to him every single day. This fact apparently surprised him, and hearing him sadly utter the words "you don't want to talk to me?" will forever rebreak my heart. Apparently it wasn't over? I had completely overreacted? I thought this had been what he had wanted...to be completely free -- un-tied-down, if you will. As he put his arm around me and told me we were always going to be best friends, i was filled with regret, love, embarrassment, and a strong desire to just punch him in the face.
As his arm dropped i reminded myself that my reaction to his actions was not uncalled for, and i had every right to not want to be his best friend right now.
Making it back to the car with merely 1 minute left on the parking meter, I couldn't help but worry if our time was up as well. Sitting in my car, he placed his hand out, as he's always done, for me to hold it. I was in shock. I stared...at first at his hand, and then straight in his eyes. Did this immature boy, who had just told me that he didn't want to feel tied down really expect me to put my hand in his like nothing was different? I shook my head, and hoped that he saw how much I hurt because of him. He asked, yet again, if I was mad. But how could I explain? He wouldn't understand, for the 20th time.
Well, I tried. I started to speak, to explain exactly why I wasn't my usual lovey-dovey self, only to be interrupted by his phone ringing.
The drive back to school was silent, with brief breaks of frivolous, uninteresting comments. I pull over...don't even put the car in park. His hand reaches out again. That god damn hand, it may as well have been slapping me in the face. But this time, i placed my hand in his, our fingers linked, and all of our memories flashed in my mind. It was too much. I pulled back. He suggested we should hang out, and I immediately said that I wouldn't be calling him. He couldn't look at me, he got out, i reminded him to get his backpack. He still wouldn't look me in the eyes, and mumbled the word "bye."
This broke my heart even more.
Did I really just let it end? Did I? Isn't that the farthest thing from what I wanted?
The strange thing about me, and potentially all people, is that when you put that emotional guard back up, your actions don't make sense. I immediately regretted not coming to a more solid conclusion as to what the fuck we were, or how the hell I felt, and after consulting potential courses of action with a dear friend of mine, I realized I needed him in my life. Despite the horribly disgusting apartment, lack of consideration, unmotivated friends, and overall lack of follow through, i totally, utterly, and completely need him in my life.
I ended up texting him later telling him, again, that i wasn't mad, and that i did, in fact, want to hang out.
we've yet to do that. and i still don't know if it's the best idea.
i still miss him.
and i really miss us. whatever us actually was.
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