May I repeat, one more time, that I truly don't believe that it's worth letting your emotional guard down and actually liking/loving people. It's really not.
I already have so much emotional baggage, and no matter how well I deal with it and pack it away nice and tight, it's still there. With every new relationship, more and more emotional baggage is packed in me, and often times I don't even notice it adding up until it's too late and it all explodes. As A said, there's no more room! we're completely full of e.b. (emotional baggage) so how are we expected to let our inherent emotional guards down and accept that more e.b. will be added to our lives? there's no room! How can we can open ourselves up knowing that if more e.b. is added there's a high probability that we will reach our breaking point.
Thus, as a true SAM, I must say that i've reverted back to my love of pure sex. no love. no long term infatuation. just sex and temporary, fleeting, fun emotions. For example, last night was my first truly 100% single, e.b. free weekend in a while. And trust me, I lived up to my SAM title. I hooked up with 2 boys, neither of which i have any true intention of pursuing. The second guy i hooked up with reminded me of all the things i didn't miss about mohammed. it was awesome. i was the front spoon the entire night, and it was all about me. He reminded me of everything i love about one night stands and no strings attached hooking up.
However, the one thing that made me sad about last night was feeling the difference between what last night was and what the past 6 months have been with my x. Remembering what it's like to sleep next to someone all night and truly loooove hooking up with them. Last night I had no desire to give him head - which has always been my favorite thing to do with my X.
As I woke up this morning with a splitting migraine from the massive amounts of cocktails and patron I ingested last night, I had a mix of emotions. Half of me felt heartbroken and a piercing longing for that boy i loved, whereas the other half of me loved having my happiness in my own hands for once. There was no phone call that wasn't received or ignored text messages to upset me, and how much I wanted from M was totally in my control.
Furthermore, as I laid in bed last night with max watching slumdog millionaire, i drunkenly started discussing my love for Tolstoy, Fightclub, and divulged the entire history of me and mohammed. (these topics are very typical of a drunken me)
As I tried to fall asleep, hearing him tell me that one day mohammed would undeniably realize what he missed out on put an instant smile on my face. This smile was only intensified when he proceeded to tell me that my X was an idiot to not appreciate me. Isn't that what every girl wants to hear? It's one thing when it's coming from your girlfriends, but when it comes from a decently attractive and successful man, you really believe it.
Overall, I would just say that maybe Samantha did have it right all along. It's okay to love someone else, but at the end of the day you have to love yourself more. And sometimes, loving yourself means, sadly, not allowing yourself to love anyone else.
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