2.17.09

Given the recent circumstances i don't even know how to start this post.

I suppose I'll start by discussing the topic of trust. It's definitely become a concept that is hard for people to fully grasp. It typically either ends up in one of two directions -- either you trust too much, or you don't trust at all. And for some reason it always seems to end up that you trust the wrong people in the wrong ways.
When this happens, people get hurt. And when people get hurt, their habits of trusting people are greatly altered.

Personally I've gotten fucked over way too many times, and consequently i feel that I typically either trust way too easily or not at all. With guys that are actually trustworthy and caring, I sabotage any type of actual trusting bond before it can even be completely formed. But regardless of whether or not I seem to trust in a relationship or not, i really really do. way too much. Whenever I care about someone (even if i don't allow myself to care 100%) i give my all to that relationship. I will do anything and everything at the drop of a hat.

Sometimes this creates friendships that I honestly believe will last a lifetime, and other times it turns out to completely and utterly bite me in the ass.

All the times of getting bitten in the ass by trust (or lack there of) has really caused to not even believe in trust. Our society has progressed into something that pushes aside trust for things such as profit, fame, or any other personal gain. That basic human bond that is trust has been corrupted and devalued to a point where I fear it's becoming extinct. Few completely trust, and of those that do, the majority end up in excruciating emotional pain.


So with the minimal amount of trust left in this world it's hard to really find true relationships to rely on. With everything that happened this weekend I definitely had my eyes opened a bit to who and what i really value in my life.

The next question that entered my troubled and confused mind was what do you do when someone that just recently exited your life is someone that you really want in it? What do you do when that person means so much to you, but could potentially really hurt you and make you trust even less? Do i put out the effort to get them back in my life for the next few months before I take off to Europe, or do I just let them go in order to try and sustain my personal emotional barrier.

I really don't know.
And it kills me.